You're mad at me for no god damn reason. And you won't even give me a chance to explain. Everyone keeps asking me about you and I don't know anything because your mother wouldn't let me see you and you refuse to talk to me. I can't talk about you with anyone without bursting into tears. You're killing me and you don't even care. All I want is for you to be happy and okay. I tried... I thought I was doing the right thing, but nothing is ever right. No matter what I'm always wrong. In starting to see that more and more, you can never please anyone. So what's the point? I don't know what to do. I've never been able to decipher your mixed messages. I'm scared. I've just been so scared about you. I always say the wrong thing and make things worse. I'm sorry I love you.

I want to talk you. I want to hear your laugh and see your smile but I feel you really don’t want to be bothered by me. I don’t know how to help your pain, I never have. I always say the wrong things without realising it and make things worse. I feel so helpless because I have always been on the list of people you pretend to be okay around. I spoke to ms Ewan today… Sha pulled me aside to talk to me. No one had told her what had happened and when someone told her she cried. She said it was tears of sadness but tears of joy that you did not succeed. Because someone very close to her had once succeeded. She said I havent been myself for quite sometime, I didn’t even realise it myself. I think it’s a lot of things though. I messages you on Facebook, and because you did not and have not responded to that or my feeble attempts at Skype I figured you want to be left. And that is okay take as much time as you need. Just please know how much I care about you. How much everyone cares about you.

Everything's Gone To Shit

My house wreaks of death and I can hardly stand being here but I can't go anywhere because I can't stand crying in front of people and I can't stop crying and I hate blogging about being miserable because it makes me a hypocrite and there's nothing anyone can do anyways. I'm going to miss you, you'll always be my guardian angel. Sweet dreams.