Xoxoxo

The party last night was really great. Parties are just great in general, I love to party. (this was a non alcoholic party) I just love spending time with groups of people. =] Twister was fun til I got kneed in the face too >.< Thanks to my secret lover who has first aid and helped me with my nose bleed. <3 Best. Secret. Lover. Ever.
I am in Cranbrook right now, Desie is at work while I wait at her house lonely and bored.
I need to make a change...Next week. xD I am so good at procrastinating. I always put off unpleasant things. Sucks. Sometimes you just gotta buckle down and get things done...
P.s. I love you.

Feeling Better.

Today was good. Everyday should be good.

=]

Feels Really Stupid.

Why do I humiliate myself?
Whatever.
I had a really bad night last night... Thanks to the friend that was there to help me pull it together.
I still couldn't drag myself out of bed this morning... I feel awful and stupid.
I think I actually just slept right through all three of my alarms...
I still want to go to belly dancing tonight, just afraid because I know I'll have to take off my sweater.

People are fucking stupid
including myself

I feel a little better now, I know what I have to do.
I know what I have been doing wrong.

Lets fix this. <3

Sometimes I Really Want to Kiss You.

Why does life have to be so difficult? I just want things to go back to normal. ARGGH.
I don't want to be trapped anymore
I don't want to feel like I need to try so hard
I am a nobody.
I have always just been what I think everyone else wants me to be.
Especially certain people...

Things I want Right Meow

Your hand in mine
Your lips on mine
my room decluttered
to be fucking wasted
to dance at a party
sleep
hot bod
to bite..
to cut
to disappear
to leave
to become a completely different person
chocolate
homework complete
etc...

This is my room right now... And this is me. On my computer. Ignoring my mess. And laundry...

Missed Your Embrace

You may not be mine, but I'm all yours.

This is probably going to be my last post... for quite sometimes anyway. if you have something to say to me email me, call me, send me a letter, or say it to my face.

Pce

Numb.

How can someone have an amazing boyfriend and still feel so alone? Is a girl like that just selfish because she only wants more no matter how good she has it? Lately I have been feeling like I don't know you anymore... Like you have changed so much. But tonight I realized it really isn't you I have lost sight of, I have lost myself. I don't know who I am anymore, or what I want. I have lost track of time, and slowly I feel like I am pushing my friends away. No... Not just my friends, everyone. All the people I have ever loved I am slowly distancing myself from them by keeping myself mind numbingly busy. If I am not on the go, I am locked in my room being miserable. Like now. I just really hope that the people I love will hold on, I don't want to push them away. I feel it is too late for some... Like I don't belong with my friends anymore. No matter which one of my friends I'm with I feel out of place, like they really don't want me around. Its as if I am back to being that fat girl with rotten teeth and frizzy hair and everyone just waits for me to leave the room so they can enjoy themselves. Even when I am with my closest friends I feel like its a 'new crowd' and I try to listen instead of speaking because I am worried that my opinion is the wrong one. I wish I could clean my room top to bottom and start everything fresh or rather not start at all. I am alone and lonely and trying to fight the urge to being my inevitable downspiral that is constantly on my mind, never subsiding. I am surprised I could even haul my ass upstairs to do laundry. I wish I could clean my room, make it look and smell nice, have room to do yoga, and practice belly dancing. I just can't find the motivation. And my week is so busy and my schedule so full I feel like I am beginning to need to plan washroom breaks. I have so lost myself... And it is just now that it dawned on me that there are few moments when I felt like I had found myself, and almost all of them include you.
Fuck
Me.

SIDEWAYS

meow.=^.^=

I Hate This Feeling

Make it go away,
Take away my pain,
You drive me crazy,
And you're the only thing keeping me sane.

Shivers

Fish Bowl

Remember when we went through that phase? The one where we were obsessed with fish. We loved everything from their intricate colors, and delicate fins, to the fact that they lived behind glass. Our fascination stemming from the wonders of whether we were simple creatures being watched through glass walls ourselves, and that there could be something bigger out there, something watching whatever it is that is watching us watch fish. I loved the colors, and the creatures carelessness, I would sit and watch them swim for hours because nothing frightened them, or worried them. They weren't worried about grades, or how their best friend was ignoring you, they didn't have to deal with money or looking too fat. They were beautiful and simple, they had simple lives much unlike ours. I miss our fish shopping trips, the excitement we would get just from holding those cool, clear bags in our hands, and thinking up silly, or clever names on the way home. We would watch them adapt quickly to their new environment and we took care in feeding them everyday. Tonight I took a moment of silence before poring about ten thousand snails down the toilet... It was difficult to see them go. It was very difficult to get rid of my fish last month too, but I need the tank and the room and they deserve someone who will feed them everyday, much like I used to. I suppose the phase passed, as phases do, and I guess we both changed with it. Our own fish bowls became grungy, and we forgot to feed the creatures living inside them.


P.s. I kind of want hermit crabs...

I feel trapped. Stuck between two very different tides, and you know how afraid I am of water. I have never been a great swimmer, especially now when I am most vulnerable. I am hopefully going to take a trip to Victoria soon, and see how I like it there. I really want to go to uvic by the sounds of it, but it will be very difficult to meet the requirements.

What You Can't See In My Eyes

There are so many things I wish I could say or do. So many things that i wish did not have consequences... I am terrified about being caught in a lie tomorrow... I hate lying. I always say that if you need to lie about something then something is obviously wrong with the situation. Under no circumstance should anyone feel obligated to lie... I don't want to start this because it is not okay for me to start lying. I love you and this isn't how things need to be. I want to fix everything... Honestly I feel so guilty about our relationship because I know I am not putting in as much effort as you. I wish I could repeat the things you say to me with as much sincerity.