Things are good again.. Or at least far far better than yesterday.
Still have a problem though, and the pressure to make a decision about what I want in my future,,,,,, well it gets worse everyday.

Tonight I am Not Okay.

You might have had enough but I haven't. Not even a little. I love everything about you and if I never see you again after grad I want to know and feel even a little bit satisfied knowing we spent as much time together as possible in our last year together. I am sorry for what I said and if I had any clue at all that it upset you I would have immediately taken what I said back and apologized. But no. I thought everything was fine and well after we hung up because the whole conversation you just said mhmm, ya, okay, mhmm, which made me think everything was fine and dandy. I had no idea you were distraught. And I was so happy that everything might have been okay again, and I wanted to talk to you... I wish you would tell me whats on your mind because as much as it seems like it I can't always read your mind. I won't know how you feel until you tell me. I never tell people whats really on my mind and it gets me into a lot of problems. So tonight I wanted to tell you what was on my mind because I couldn't stand not talking to you. You know how I am... It is really a chore trying not to be myself around you, because you make me so happy. I haven't had enough... I don't want to lose you. And I know you are fed up and the chances of you reading this are probably minimal and tomorrow if I try to say any of this to your face its going to come out wrong and ill probably make things worse... But I am saying this because you did nothing wrong.....
I am sorry. and I do love you. More than you will ever fucking understand.
I want to tell you how much you c0nfuse me because you say one thing and mean another constantly, but I am not going to because frankly, I have no fucking clue as to exactly what I want either. You can change your mind a thousand times a day if you want because that's what being young means. Making mistakes and having the guts to try again ten minutes later because you didn't totally fuck everything up, everything can always be fixed.
I understand that we want the same thing, only you don't want it with me. and i can put up with that if you can... I always want to be there for you. I want you to be able to talk to me and be able to say anything to me no matter what, because that's what friends should be for. I love you please don't push me away. I need you. I wish you would call and talk to me, I want to hear the sound of your voice and I really want everything to be good between us again. Just a few days ago we were in your room at two in the morning laughing our asses off. In that moment I was so happy, and I am sure you were too. We shouldn't let anything get between us, including us. I am stupid and I really fuck things up sometimes but I am human. I just wish we could talk about stuff instead of this... I hate having to write to you on my blog where other people can see it. I would email it to you, but I'm pretty sure you never check your email, and I would facebook message it to you but I know you wouldnt respond. Because you never respond to me on facebook. I want to say it to your face but I am pretty sure you would get the wrong impression because I can never say things right to you. And that would fuck things up more, which I don't want. At 7 o clock I cried myself to sleep and woke up around ten thirty. Brenden called me and I tried so hard not to be upset. As he listened to me crying on the phone he said that "no friend should cause another friend this much pain." So lets make up tomorrow, ok? <3

Save Me Like You Do

Ouch.

[insert string of vulgar language referring to you] How dare you? You have no idea how hurt I am by this. Ugh. Don't talk to me.

Testing, testing, I'm just suggesting
You and I might not be the best thing
Exit, exit, somehow I guessed it right, right
But I still want ya, want ya, don't mean to taunt ya
If you leave now, I'll come back and haunt ya
You'll remember, return to sender now, now

Well I just wish we could go back one more time and begin it
Back before I lost myself somewhere, somewhere in it

I've been stuck now, so long, we just got the start wrong
One more last try, Imma get the ending right
You can't stop this, and I must insist
That you haven't had enough
That you haven't had enough
Stuck now, so long, we just got the start wrong
No more last place, you better get your story straight
You can't stop this, and I must insist
That you haven't had enough
That you haven't had enough

I still, need ya, need ya, don't mean to tease ya
If ya want me, I'll come back and meet ya
Whisper, whisper, you must admit you want it
You, you want it

Well I just wish we could go back one more time and begin it
Back before I lost myself somewhere, somewhere in it
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/m/marianas_trench/havent_had_enough.html ]
I've been stuck now, so long, we just got the start wrong
One more last time, Imma get the ending right
You can't stop this, and I must insist
That you haven't had enough
That you haven't had enough
Stuck now, so long, we just got the start wrong
No more last place, you better get your story straight
You can't stop this, and I must insist
That you haven't had enough
That you haven't had enough

Don't you need it?
Don't you want this at all?
(Testing, testing, I'm just suggesting)
Don't you need it?
Don't you want this at all?
(Testing, testing, I'm just suggesting)

Stuck now, so long, we just got the start wrong
One more last try, Imma get the ending right
You can't stop this, and I must insist
That you haven't had enough
That you haven't had enough
Stuck now, so long
We just got the start wrong
No more last place, you better get your story straight
You can't stop this (Don't you need it?)
And I must insist
That you haven't had enough (Don't you want this all)
That you haven't had enough

Testing, Testing, I'm just suggesting
You and I might just be the best thing

"Canadas G-Spot"

Okay I may have exaggerated a little when saying they have 'millions and millions' They probably do have at least a million but don't quote me on that. >.<

Do I classify as a dilettanti?

Drama Club

Stage Band

Art Club

Belly Dancing

Yoga

Hula Hooping
Free Press

Not to mention photography and reading...

I love to learn new things. Am I a spoiled brat? Spoiled yes. Brat no. Maybe I don't have a job, and maybe I do get money handed to me but I need these things... I feel like right now is my last year to actually live like a young adult. Why not make the best of it? Next year I will be by myself and have to worry about bills and being alone and shit. Which by the way scares the bejeesus out of me.! I don't know what I am going to do... I love photography but its more of a hobby. I am not good enough at it to take it anywhere and make any money off of it. There is writing... But honestly I am not a great writer. Lately I have been so discouraged from writing, its horrible. I actually almost dread going to writing class now which is just unacceptable. There are some kids in the class that I seriously want to punch in the fucking face. I have to put my headphones in now and blast my music to drown their immaturity out. It's AWFUL. I feel so bad for Ms.Little... She is so frustrated with them and I can see in her face that she is just hurt because they are so disrespectful. Ugh. Not to mention I feel incredibly belittled in the class. I hate reading my stuff out because my stuff isn't half as good as everyone elses. Including the kids that aren't taking it seriously! I could become a teacher but to be honest I want to make more money... Not to mention I have no freaking clue how I am going to get accepted ANYWHERE my grades have never been great, I have next to zero volunteer work because I live in the middle of nowhere and can't get rides, hardly any work experience because frankly I have to have a good experience in the working field... Blargh. =/

He Plays Piano Too... *mind blown*

"Your shoes are sparkly...." Your shoes are sparkly? Really Sierra? That's the most intelligent thing you could think of?? Ugh. *face palm*

At least I made her laugh.. "Yeah an awkward laugh."

Fuck..... lol

Well I am officially unofficially in love with a grade eight.
Named JAPHY.
Seriously, you look up the word "awesome" and you WILL see his picture. In your mind anyway.
Home schooled til grade eight he does magic, has big curly hair, has an amazing unique artistic style that reminds me of Tim Burton, wears a fuckin bowler, has top hats (different colors!), plays the piano, AND likes drama. and he is sooooo cuuuuuute =^.^= not in the Mmmm kind of way but in the AWWW I WANNA HUG YOUUU kind of way.
Win.

Had a great day today.
New friends always bring out the best in me<3
Took lots of great photos today and developed my first roll of film!

I love the dark room... There is just something about feeling my way around that dark corner and walking into the dim red light, the chemicals and the idea of the paper being sensitive and relying on us to protect it against something that we can see but cant touch. When I wlak into the dark room I can't help but take a deep breath and smile, and I love the slow, delicate process of developing pinhole camera photos, and film, and seeing your hard work in front of you. I love digital because the outcomes are often really great but with film, its slow and more work, and I love it because after all that hard work you get to see something you have created in front of you. Dark room is definitely going on my list-of-places-to-have-sex. Haha. Anywho... Picture day is tomorrow -Ugh. Me and Dana bough fake eyelashes, I am excited for that. <3

Mmm

From now on if you have something to say to me or to ask me, say it to my fucking face. =] And as difficult as it may be I will try to do the same. With the exception of my far away friends of course. Any who to whoever reads my blog, if anyone, if no one but me, thank you. It means a lot to me to feel as if someone out there just might be listening. And it would mean a lot to me if once in a while you would just tell me for real that you truly care about me. Once in a while someone needs that. Last year I did this thing where I wrote all of my closest friends a personal note thanking them for being there for me. I love you all, love me back? =] By the way -loving this song. Its fucking cuuuute =^.^=

was ist das spiel dein?

Was ist dieses Spiel spielen wir? Ich liebe dich du mich liebst er mich liebt, ich liebe ihn, und am Ende du wirklich liebst mich nicht. Was ist dein Spiel? Wie lautet der Name? Und warum ist es, dass wir am Ende alle verlieren? Und wenn wir am Ende alle verlieren, warum dauert es noch so viel, was Stück spielen wir Materie und die Bewegung machen wir? Dieser verdammte scheiße, weißt du das?? Ich fühle mich wie gefangen und bin, egal was ich wähle ich verlieren. So frage ich mich, warum diese Dinge überhaupt, und ich frage mich, wie viel Sie sagen mir, dass ist die Wahrheit, und ich frage mich, wie viel von dieser Nachricht wird in der Übersetzung verloren gehen ....

Where to Start

Where would we be now if we could go back to the band trip? The one that tore everything apart, and fixed everything at the same time. Would we have ended up dating? Would we have broken up? What you just said to me is almost exactly what I needed to hear. Deep down I knew but I needed to hear it from you. I am glad we mostly feel the same way and I hate that you are right about almost everything... I wish it werent true and that I wasnt so stupid as to get myself into this mess because now I have no idea how to get out and sometimes I don't even think I want to.
I love you, don't leave me.

Clickety Clickk

Shouldnt be blogging in writing class... I will make up for it after school of course, and this is still technically writing. I am excited to start my new book but of course I need to finish my current one first. Which just isnt happening. I have been trying to make time to read and everyone is making it very difficult. >.<

Please don't be ignorant to me... or mad at me. I am trapped in this horrible place and losing my mind. The last thing I need is for you to treat me like I'm worthless as well.

So.... What if I am? =/

Thanks for the comment btw. much appreciated.

I hate and love that I can never stay mad at my favorite people.

I hate and love that I love you.

And I hate and love that I love him.

And I hate and love school, because I hate and love the familiar faces.
The ones I have seen every year for the past five years.

The ones I hate.
And the ones I love, and missed so much over the summer.

And I hate and love myself, because I can do so much!
But I do so little...

And I hate the way you look at me, but I hate it when you aren't looking.

And I love to sleep when I am upset because it makes everything disappear, but I hate lazing around being miserable and feeling sorry for myself.

And I hate the way you trip over your words when there are things I want to hear, and I love when you trip over your words when you are trying to cheer me up because it means you truly care.

And I hate the way I will always love my first love, and I hate that no matter what he will always love her...
And I love that I don't have to see his face anymore, or hear his voice.

And I hate that I missed that party, but I love that I did because it makes things easier.

And I hate that I liked Dennis Wass for so long, and let him take advantage of me, but I loved the feeling of his lips on mine and his body against mine, and his hand in mine. And I hated that he was ashamed to be seen in public with me.

And I hate digging up old bones like this, but I love getting things off my chest.

I hate my boyfriends obsession with computers, and I love my boyfriend so much.

And I hate myself for always letting people push me around and budge in front of me in this ridiculous narrow line we call life, and I love that I am generous enough to let people go in front of me.

And I hate that I am constantly biting my tongue, and not saying what I really mean, but I love that no one will ever truly meet my demons.

I love memories of my childhood and take pride in remembering so well, and so far back, but I fucking hate that trailer court and that house because of the bad memories.
The ones I have wished and tried so long and hard to forget. And I want to hate the people who did that to a seven year old girl, but I have to forgive and move on.

And I absolutely love popping bubble wrap, the feeling and the sound! but I hate when there is no more to pop, and all that remains is a tattered piece of lifeless plastic.

And I love standing in the rain, and the way it becomes such a task to peel wet clothes off before hopping into a nice hot shower, but I hate getting sick, and having to stay home from school.

Because I love seeing familiar faces, and I hate seeing them walk away...

Especially when I know they aren't coming back.