You might have had enough but I haven't. Not even a little. I love everything about you and if I never see you again after grad I want to know and feel even a little bit satisfied knowing we spent as much time together as possible in our last year together. I am sorry for what I said and if I had any clue at all that it upset you I would have immediately taken what I said back and apologized. But no. I thought everything was fine and well after we hung up because the whole conversation you just said mhmm, ya, okay, mhmm, which made me think everything was fine and dandy. I had no idea you were distraught. And I was so happy that everything might have been okay again, and I wanted to talk to you... I wish you would tell me whats on your mind because as much as it seems like it I can't always read your mind. I won't know how you feel until you tell me. I never tell people whats really on my mind and it gets me into a lot of problems. So tonight I wanted to tell you what was on my mind because I couldn't stand not talking to you. You know how I am... It is really a chore trying not to be myself around you, because you make me so happy. I haven't had enough... I don't want to lose you. And I know you are fed up and the chances of you reading this are probably minimal and tomorrow if I try to say any of this to your face its going to come out wrong and ill probably make things worse... But I am saying this because you did nothing wrong.....
I am sorry. and I do love you. More than you will ever fucking understand.
I want to tell you how much you c0nfuse me because you say one thing and mean another constantly, but I am not going to because frankly, I have no fucking clue as to exactly what I want either. You can change your mind a thousand times a day if you want because that's what being young means. Making mistakes and having the guts to try again ten minutes later because you didn't totally fuck everything up, everything can always be fixed.
I understand that we want the same thing, only you don't want it with me. and i can put up with that if you can... I always want to be there for you. I want you to be able to talk to me and be able to say anything to me no matter what, because that's what friends should be for. I love you please don't push me away. I need you. I wish you would call and talk to me, I want to hear the sound of your voice and I really want everything to be good between us again. Just a few days ago we were in your room at two in the morning laughing our asses off. In that moment I was so happy, and I am sure you were too. We shouldn't let anything get between us, including us. I am stupid and I really fuck things up sometimes but I am human. I just wish we could talk about stuff instead of this... I hate having to write to you on my blog where other people can see it. I would email it to you, but I'm pretty sure you never check your email, and I would facebook message it to you but I know you wouldnt respond. Because you never respond to me on facebook. I want to say it to your face but I am pretty sure you would get the wrong impression because I can never say things right to you. And that would fuck things up more, which I don't want. At 7 o clock I cried myself to sleep and woke up around ten thirty. Brenden called me and I tried so hard not to be upset. As he listened to me crying on the phone he said that "no friend should cause another friend this much pain." So lets make up tomorrow, ok? <3
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