Bah Humbug

I hate Christmas. it used to be my favorite holiday, i always had one thing that I really wanted which I almost always got and this year the only thing I wanted was for my family to stop falling apart. Instead I got a pair of toe socks,,, and I suppose some other nice things. I suppose that's okay for now, I love toe socks.

More Okay Than Not I Suppose

You say, sometimes, it's like I hardly know you
And maybe there's somethings I never showed you
Sometimes you're certain, but just can't get it working at all

You say to yourself somebody better
Will understand you more than I ever
I'll shake his hand, and smile, and say I understand. Well I do
That don't mean I don't think about you

I know we
Said it's just as well that I won't keep, keep you for myself
But, I don't want to see you happier with somebody else

Oh, why can't you just be lo-lo, lo lo-lo, lo lonely?
Why can't you just be lo-lo, lo lo-lo, lo lonely?
Why can't you just be lo-lo, lo lo-lo, lo lonely?
I know you need someone too
This just feels so soon

I know some things should just stay broken
I'm well aware this should remain unspoken
But I've been working on the things that I was learning all wrong, oh
I know sometimes I only twist ya
And maybe I'm too proud to say I missed ya
But what if here and now, I tell you that I'm all figured out?
Or maybe I just like how that sounds

I know we
Said it's just as well that I won't keep, keep you for myself
But I don't want to see you happier with somebody else

Oh, why can't you just be lo-lo, lo lo-lo, lo lonely?
Why can't you just be lo-lo, lo lo-lo, lo lonely?
Why can't you just be lo-lo, lo lo-lo, lo lonely?
I know you need someone too
This just feels so

And I know it seems beneath me
But sometimes it's not so easy
To wish you well and let you go

And I say it's just as well
That I just can't keep you for myself
I don't want to see you happier with somebody else

Oh, lo-lo, lo lo-lo, lo lonely?
Why can't you just be lo-lo, lo lo-lo, lo lonely?
Why can't you just be lo-lo, lo lo-lo, lo lonely?
This just feels so
This just feels so,
Feels so soon

(Lo-lo, lo lo-lo, lo lonely?)
Why can't you be
(Lo-lo, lo lo-lo, lo lonely?)
Why can't you be
(Lo-lo, lo lo-lo, lo lonely?)

This just feels so,
This just feels so,
This just feels so soon

I Didn't Write This But I Love It...

I’m not sure how to start this, or even why I’m writing it other than it being Christmas and it seems like an appropriate time. I miss you. I thought time would make it easier, but the truth is I miss you more every day. I know you’re happy; I can see that and I’m honestly glad. I’m not saying this with any agenda: I love you. I’ve loved you from the moment I saw you, and every day since. You might not want anything to do with me, and on some level I understand why. My biggest fear isn’t that you don’t love me anymore, or even that you might hate me. It’s that you’ll forget about me. I couldn’t bear that because I think about you every day. Sometimes those thoughts make me sad, sometimes they make my heart ache. More often they make me smile because I think about what an incredible person you are, and the memories you’ve given me.

I’m sorry for the times I went a little crazy; I thought shutting you out would make me miss you less. I’m sorry for the things I didn’t do when we were together. If I could do it again I would be great for you, and I would never let you go.

Dimple Pimple Piercings

What is it about some people that makes them so damn easy to talk to? Said way too much last night. Things I have never said to anyone. And should never say to anyone. Where to go from here? I have no one to blame but myself for the ruins that lie before me. I have lost the one person I care about most. And it's not even like their hands simply slipped out of mine. They let go. They want this. How? Why? I just want things to go back to normal. I just want things to fucking be okay.

If you love them, let them go.

Self Portrait

My Best Friend.

Do You Think This Would Look bad?

I am a horrible person and I'm sorry.

Never again...

...

Dear D. I miss you, I love you and I'm sorry
Dear M. I miss you, I love you and I'm sorry
Dear T. I miss you, I love you and I'm sorry
Dear D. I miss you, I love you and I'm sorry
Dear D. I miss you, I love you and I'm sorry
Dear K. I miss you, I love you and I'm sorry
Dear B. I love you and I'm sorry
Dear M. I love you and I'm sorry
Dear me. I should be sorry.

Anyone ever tell you you have really nice lips?

Was going to tell you today but couldn't. Would that have been weird? I thought blogging in class was bad... Jazz band... Oh my.

Whats the Worst Kind of Upskirt?

On a scale of one to didn't do homework, how good was your weekend?? Mine was pretty fucking great.
Had an amazing black light bikini dance party with someone who is mighty near and dear to my heart.<3
I love cuddling with my friends. It just feels nice to be so close to the people I love
I had an amazing weekend. I love photography so much, and its great to know someone who understands and gets just as carried away as I do! Oh my goodness colorful hair is great.
P.s. I officially LOVE DeathNote and H.O.T.
More anime please? =D

By the way... The answer to the title is

Zombie upskirts...

Im with Dork <-----

Puppies are cute and sweet, and when they bite they are just playing. They aren't trying to hurt you... How could you live with yourself for kicking one in the face?

Make Up Smeared Eyes

I just really need to be with someone right now.. My best friend doesn't want me around and everyone else is busy... I'd call my boyfriend but I don't really have one right now. Why have I fucked everything up? I wish someone were here with me. I really don't want to be alone tonight. Like I have been all day waiting for a stupid phone call that wasn't coming.

I Heart O'Malley

toning my washboard abs tonight ;)

Eurgh.

AAGHH fuckkkkk

Xoxoxo

The party last night was really great. Parties are just great in general, I love to party. (this was a non alcoholic party) I just love spending time with groups of people. =] Twister was fun til I got kneed in the face too >.< Thanks to my secret lover who has first aid and helped me with my nose bleed. <3 Best. Secret. Lover. Ever.
I am in Cranbrook right now, Desie is at work while I wait at her house lonely and bored.
I need to make a change...Next week. xD I am so good at procrastinating. I always put off unpleasant things. Sucks. Sometimes you just gotta buckle down and get things done...
P.s. I love you.

Feeling Better.

Today was good. Everyday should be good.

=]

Feels Really Stupid.

Why do I humiliate myself?
Whatever.
I had a really bad night last night... Thanks to the friend that was there to help me pull it together.
I still couldn't drag myself out of bed this morning... I feel awful and stupid.
I think I actually just slept right through all three of my alarms...
I still want to go to belly dancing tonight, just afraid because I know I'll have to take off my sweater.

People are fucking stupid
including myself

I feel a little better now, I know what I have to do.
I know what I have been doing wrong.

Lets fix this. <3

Sometimes I Really Want to Kiss You.

Why does life have to be so difficult? I just want things to go back to normal. ARGGH.
I don't want to be trapped anymore
I don't want to feel like I need to try so hard
I am a nobody.
I have always just been what I think everyone else wants me to be.
Especially certain people...

Things I want Right Meow

Your hand in mine
Your lips on mine
my room decluttered
to be fucking wasted
to dance at a party
sleep
hot bod
to bite..
to cut
to disappear
to leave
to become a completely different person
chocolate
homework complete
etc...

This is my room right now... And this is me. On my computer. Ignoring my mess. And laundry...

Missed Your Embrace

You may not be mine, but I'm all yours.

This is probably going to be my last post... for quite sometimes anyway. if you have something to say to me email me, call me, send me a letter, or say it to my face.

Pce

Numb.

How can someone have an amazing boyfriend and still feel so alone? Is a girl like that just selfish because she only wants more no matter how good she has it? Lately I have been feeling like I don't know you anymore... Like you have changed so much. But tonight I realized it really isn't you I have lost sight of, I have lost myself. I don't know who I am anymore, or what I want. I have lost track of time, and slowly I feel like I am pushing my friends away. No... Not just my friends, everyone. All the people I have ever loved I am slowly distancing myself from them by keeping myself mind numbingly busy. If I am not on the go, I am locked in my room being miserable. Like now. I just really hope that the people I love will hold on, I don't want to push them away. I feel it is too late for some... Like I don't belong with my friends anymore. No matter which one of my friends I'm with I feel out of place, like they really don't want me around. Its as if I am back to being that fat girl with rotten teeth and frizzy hair and everyone just waits for me to leave the room so they can enjoy themselves. Even when I am with my closest friends I feel like its a 'new crowd' and I try to listen instead of speaking because I am worried that my opinion is the wrong one. I wish I could clean my room top to bottom and start everything fresh or rather not start at all. I am alone and lonely and trying to fight the urge to being my inevitable downspiral that is constantly on my mind, never subsiding. I am surprised I could even haul my ass upstairs to do laundry. I wish I could clean my room, make it look and smell nice, have room to do yoga, and practice belly dancing. I just can't find the motivation. And my week is so busy and my schedule so full I feel like I am beginning to need to plan washroom breaks. I have so lost myself... And it is just now that it dawned on me that there are few moments when I felt like I had found myself, and almost all of them include you.
Fuck
Me.

SIDEWAYS

meow.=^.^=

I Hate This Feeling

Make it go away,
Take away my pain,
You drive me crazy,
And you're the only thing keeping me sane.

Shivers

Fish Bowl

Remember when we went through that phase? The one where we were obsessed with fish. We loved everything from their intricate colors, and delicate fins, to the fact that they lived behind glass. Our fascination stemming from the wonders of whether we were simple creatures being watched through glass walls ourselves, and that there could be something bigger out there, something watching whatever it is that is watching us watch fish. I loved the colors, and the creatures carelessness, I would sit and watch them swim for hours because nothing frightened them, or worried them. They weren't worried about grades, or how their best friend was ignoring you, they didn't have to deal with money or looking too fat. They were beautiful and simple, they had simple lives much unlike ours. I miss our fish shopping trips, the excitement we would get just from holding those cool, clear bags in our hands, and thinking up silly, or clever names on the way home. We would watch them adapt quickly to their new environment and we took care in feeding them everyday. Tonight I took a moment of silence before poring about ten thousand snails down the toilet... It was difficult to see them go. It was very difficult to get rid of my fish last month too, but I need the tank and the room and they deserve someone who will feed them everyday, much like I used to. I suppose the phase passed, as phases do, and I guess we both changed with it. Our own fish bowls became grungy, and we forgot to feed the creatures living inside them.


P.s. I kind of want hermit crabs...

I feel trapped. Stuck between two very different tides, and you know how afraid I am of water. I have never been a great swimmer, especially now when I am most vulnerable. I am hopefully going to take a trip to Victoria soon, and see how I like it there. I really want to go to uvic by the sounds of it, but it will be very difficult to meet the requirements.

What You Can't See In My Eyes

There are so many things I wish I could say or do. So many things that i wish did not have consequences... I am terrified about being caught in a lie tomorrow... I hate lying. I always say that if you need to lie about something then something is obviously wrong with the situation. Under no circumstance should anyone feel obligated to lie... I don't want to start this because it is not okay for me to start lying. I love you and this isn't how things need to be. I want to fix everything... Honestly I feel so guilty about our relationship because I know I am not putting in as much effort as you. I wish I could repeat the things you say to me with as much sincerity.

Things are good again.. Or at least far far better than yesterday.
Still have a problem though, and the pressure to make a decision about what I want in my future,,,,,, well it gets worse everyday.

Tonight I am Not Okay.

You might have had enough but I haven't. Not even a little. I love everything about you and if I never see you again after grad I want to know and feel even a little bit satisfied knowing we spent as much time together as possible in our last year together. I am sorry for what I said and if I had any clue at all that it upset you I would have immediately taken what I said back and apologized. But no. I thought everything was fine and well after we hung up because the whole conversation you just said mhmm, ya, okay, mhmm, which made me think everything was fine and dandy. I had no idea you were distraught. And I was so happy that everything might have been okay again, and I wanted to talk to you... I wish you would tell me whats on your mind because as much as it seems like it I can't always read your mind. I won't know how you feel until you tell me. I never tell people whats really on my mind and it gets me into a lot of problems. So tonight I wanted to tell you what was on my mind because I couldn't stand not talking to you. You know how I am... It is really a chore trying not to be myself around you, because you make me so happy. I haven't had enough... I don't want to lose you. And I know you are fed up and the chances of you reading this are probably minimal and tomorrow if I try to say any of this to your face its going to come out wrong and ill probably make things worse... But I am saying this because you did nothing wrong.....
I am sorry. and I do love you. More than you will ever fucking understand.
I want to tell you how much you c0nfuse me because you say one thing and mean another constantly, but I am not going to because frankly, I have no fucking clue as to exactly what I want either. You can change your mind a thousand times a day if you want because that's what being young means. Making mistakes and having the guts to try again ten minutes later because you didn't totally fuck everything up, everything can always be fixed.
I understand that we want the same thing, only you don't want it with me. and i can put up with that if you can... I always want to be there for you. I want you to be able to talk to me and be able to say anything to me no matter what, because that's what friends should be for. I love you please don't push me away. I need you. I wish you would call and talk to me, I want to hear the sound of your voice and I really want everything to be good between us again. Just a few days ago we were in your room at two in the morning laughing our asses off. In that moment I was so happy, and I am sure you were too. We shouldn't let anything get between us, including us. I am stupid and I really fuck things up sometimes but I am human. I just wish we could talk about stuff instead of this... I hate having to write to you on my blog where other people can see it. I would email it to you, but I'm pretty sure you never check your email, and I would facebook message it to you but I know you wouldnt respond. Because you never respond to me on facebook. I want to say it to your face but I am pretty sure you would get the wrong impression because I can never say things right to you. And that would fuck things up more, which I don't want. At 7 o clock I cried myself to sleep and woke up around ten thirty. Brenden called me and I tried so hard not to be upset. As he listened to me crying on the phone he said that "no friend should cause another friend this much pain." So lets make up tomorrow, ok? <3

Save Me Like You Do

Ouch.

[insert string of vulgar language referring to you] How dare you? You have no idea how hurt I am by this. Ugh. Don't talk to me.

Testing, testing, I'm just suggesting
You and I might not be the best thing
Exit, exit, somehow I guessed it right, right
But I still want ya, want ya, don't mean to taunt ya
If you leave now, I'll come back and haunt ya
You'll remember, return to sender now, now

Well I just wish we could go back one more time and begin it
Back before I lost myself somewhere, somewhere in it

I've been stuck now, so long, we just got the start wrong
One more last try, Imma get the ending right
You can't stop this, and I must insist
That you haven't had enough
That you haven't had enough
Stuck now, so long, we just got the start wrong
No more last place, you better get your story straight
You can't stop this, and I must insist
That you haven't had enough
That you haven't had enough

I still, need ya, need ya, don't mean to tease ya
If ya want me, I'll come back and meet ya
Whisper, whisper, you must admit you want it
You, you want it

Well I just wish we could go back one more time and begin it
Back before I lost myself somewhere, somewhere in it
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/m/marianas_trench/havent_had_enough.html ]
I've been stuck now, so long, we just got the start wrong
One more last time, Imma get the ending right
You can't stop this, and I must insist
That you haven't had enough
That you haven't had enough
Stuck now, so long, we just got the start wrong
No more last place, you better get your story straight
You can't stop this, and I must insist
That you haven't had enough
That you haven't had enough

Don't you need it?
Don't you want this at all?
(Testing, testing, I'm just suggesting)
Don't you need it?
Don't you want this at all?
(Testing, testing, I'm just suggesting)

Stuck now, so long, we just got the start wrong
One more last try, Imma get the ending right
You can't stop this, and I must insist
That you haven't had enough
That you haven't had enough
Stuck now, so long
We just got the start wrong
No more last place, you better get your story straight
You can't stop this (Don't you need it?)
And I must insist
That you haven't had enough (Don't you want this all)
That you haven't had enough

Testing, Testing, I'm just suggesting
You and I might just be the best thing

"Canadas G-Spot"

Okay I may have exaggerated a little when saying they have 'millions and millions' They probably do have at least a million but don't quote me on that. >.<

Do I classify as a dilettanti?

Drama Club

Stage Band

Art Club

Belly Dancing

Yoga

Hula Hooping
Free Press

Not to mention photography and reading...

I love to learn new things. Am I a spoiled brat? Spoiled yes. Brat no. Maybe I don't have a job, and maybe I do get money handed to me but I need these things... I feel like right now is my last year to actually live like a young adult. Why not make the best of it? Next year I will be by myself and have to worry about bills and being alone and shit. Which by the way scares the bejeesus out of me.! I don't know what I am going to do... I love photography but its more of a hobby. I am not good enough at it to take it anywhere and make any money off of it. There is writing... But honestly I am not a great writer. Lately I have been so discouraged from writing, its horrible. I actually almost dread going to writing class now which is just unacceptable. There are some kids in the class that I seriously want to punch in the fucking face. I have to put my headphones in now and blast my music to drown their immaturity out. It's AWFUL. I feel so bad for Ms.Little... She is so frustrated with them and I can see in her face that she is just hurt because they are so disrespectful. Ugh. Not to mention I feel incredibly belittled in the class. I hate reading my stuff out because my stuff isn't half as good as everyone elses. Including the kids that aren't taking it seriously! I could become a teacher but to be honest I want to make more money... Not to mention I have no freaking clue how I am going to get accepted ANYWHERE my grades have never been great, I have next to zero volunteer work because I live in the middle of nowhere and can't get rides, hardly any work experience because frankly I have to have a good experience in the working field... Blargh. =/

He Plays Piano Too... *mind blown*

"Your shoes are sparkly...." Your shoes are sparkly? Really Sierra? That's the most intelligent thing you could think of?? Ugh. *face palm*

At least I made her laugh.. "Yeah an awkward laugh."

Fuck..... lol

Well I am officially unofficially in love with a grade eight.
Named JAPHY.
Seriously, you look up the word "awesome" and you WILL see his picture. In your mind anyway.
Home schooled til grade eight he does magic, has big curly hair, has an amazing unique artistic style that reminds me of Tim Burton, wears a fuckin bowler, has top hats (different colors!), plays the piano, AND likes drama. and he is sooooo cuuuuuute =^.^= not in the Mmmm kind of way but in the AWWW I WANNA HUG YOUUU kind of way.
Win.

Had a great day today.
New friends always bring out the best in me<3
Took lots of great photos today and developed my first roll of film!

I love the dark room... There is just something about feeling my way around that dark corner and walking into the dim red light, the chemicals and the idea of the paper being sensitive and relying on us to protect it against something that we can see but cant touch. When I wlak into the dark room I can't help but take a deep breath and smile, and I love the slow, delicate process of developing pinhole camera photos, and film, and seeing your hard work in front of you. I love digital because the outcomes are often really great but with film, its slow and more work, and I love it because after all that hard work you get to see something you have created in front of you. Dark room is definitely going on my list-of-places-to-have-sex. Haha. Anywho... Picture day is tomorrow -Ugh. Me and Dana bough fake eyelashes, I am excited for that. <3

Mmm

From now on if you have something to say to me or to ask me, say it to my fucking face. =] And as difficult as it may be I will try to do the same. With the exception of my far away friends of course. Any who to whoever reads my blog, if anyone, if no one but me, thank you. It means a lot to me to feel as if someone out there just might be listening. And it would mean a lot to me if once in a while you would just tell me for real that you truly care about me. Once in a while someone needs that. Last year I did this thing where I wrote all of my closest friends a personal note thanking them for being there for me. I love you all, love me back? =] By the way -loving this song. Its fucking cuuuute =^.^=

was ist das spiel dein?

Was ist dieses Spiel spielen wir? Ich liebe dich du mich liebst er mich liebt, ich liebe ihn, und am Ende du wirklich liebst mich nicht. Was ist dein Spiel? Wie lautet der Name? Und warum ist es, dass wir am Ende alle verlieren? Und wenn wir am Ende alle verlieren, warum dauert es noch so viel, was Stück spielen wir Materie und die Bewegung machen wir? Dieser verdammte scheiße, weißt du das?? Ich fühle mich wie gefangen und bin, egal was ich wähle ich verlieren. So frage ich mich, warum diese Dinge überhaupt, und ich frage mich, wie viel Sie sagen mir, dass ist die Wahrheit, und ich frage mich, wie viel von dieser Nachricht wird in der Übersetzung verloren gehen ....

Where to Start

Where would we be now if we could go back to the band trip? The one that tore everything apart, and fixed everything at the same time. Would we have ended up dating? Would we have broken up? What you just said to me is almost exactly what I needed to hear. Deep down I knew but I needed to hear it from you. I am glad we mostly feel the same way and I hate that you are right about almost everything... I wish it werent true and that I wasnt so stupid as to get myself into this mess because now I have no idea how to get out and sometimes I don't even think I want to.
I love you, don't leave me.

Clickety Clickk

Shouldnt be blogging in writing class... I will make up for it after school of course, and this is still technically writing. I am excited to start my new book but of course I need to finish my current one first. Which just isnt happening. I have been trying to make time to read and everyone is making it very difficult. >.<

Please don't be ignorant to me... or mad at me. I am trapped in this horrible place and losing my mind. The last thing I need is for you to treat me like I'm worthless as well.

So.... What if I am? =/

Thanks for the comment btw. much appreciated.

I hate and love that I can never stay mad at my favorite people.

I hate and love that I love you.

And I hate and love that I love him.

And I hate and love school, because I hate and love the familiar faces.
The ones I have seen every year for the past five years.

The ones I hate.
And the ones I love, and missed so much over the summer.

And I hate and love myself, because I can do so much!
But I do so little...

And I hate the way you look at me, but I hate it when you aren't looking.

And I love to sleep when I am upset because it makes everything disappear, but I hate lazing around being miserable and feeling sorry for myself.

And I hate the way you trip over your words when there are things I want to hear, and I love when you trip over your words when you are trying to cheer me up because it means you truly care.

And I hate the way I will always love my first love, and I hate that no matter what he will always love her...
And I love that I don't have to see his face anymore, or hear his voice.

And I hate that I missed that party, but I love that I did because it makes things easier.

And I hate that I liked Dennis Wass for so long, and let him take advantage of me, but I loved the feeling of his lips on mine and his body against mine, and his hand in mine. And I hated that he was ashamed to be seen in public with me.

And I hate digging up old bones like this, but I love getting things off my chest.

I hate my boyfriends obsession with computers, and I love my boyfriend so much.

And I hate myself for always letting people push me around and budge in front of me in this ridiculous narrow line we call life, and I love that I am generous enough to let people go in front of me.

And I hate that I am constantly biting my tongue, and not saying what I really mean, but I love that no one will ever truly meet my demons.

I love memories of my childhood and take pride in remembering so well, and so far back, but I fucking hate that trailer court and that house because of the bad memories.
The ones I have wished and tried so long and hard to forget. And I want to hate the people who did that to a seven year old girl, but I have to forgive and move on.

And I absolutely love popping bubble wrap, the feeling and the sound! but I hate when there is no more to pop, and all that remains is a tattered piece of lifeless plastic.

And I love standing in the rain, and the way it becomes such a task to peel wet clothes off before hopping into a nice hot shower, but I hate getting sick, and having to stay home from school.

Because I love seeing familiar faces, and I hate seeing them walk away...

Especially when I know they aren't coming back.

So.. Here I am.

Here I am updating... Why? I have no idea. Why do I bother? No one cares what I have to say because everyone is too wrapped up in themselves. Yes you are too. You are and everyone in your family are, and all your friends are. No one cares what YOU have to say, and no one cares what I have to say... Then again that isn't entirely true. Because I read my friends blogs and I like to think that I care. Am I the only one? Perhaps.

Discovered Windows Live Writer…

BO YA

Cubicle Love

So much time we wasted away sitting in those ridiculous cramped cubicles. Not once did we dare trade them for something more practical and comfortable. Back when no matter what time you would text me I was reading, writing, or walking. Back when my morals and my heart weren't all fucked up from heart break and heart ache. Back when I didn't use the word fuck. I wouldn't dare write it down in my diary, never mind in a story to share with the world. Back when I loved you and you loved me but neither of us got up the nerve to say so, until it was too late. And now I am here, and you are there. Now no matter what time of day I text you, you are fucked up and high, and I am unhappy with where my life is, and where its headed. And I can't help but think that while my life is headed to nowhere special, your life is just headed nowhere. And I can't help wonder where our lives would be now if while sitting in a cramped cubicle I had uttered the words "I love you."

What Is This World Coming To?

What ever happened to the days when people would write their inner most personal feeling into a book instead of writing it on a blog for the world to see? I guess some people just like attention... Fuck you technological generation!

Charming the One Eyed Trouser Snake?

Kayaking is so much fun =] Especially when your best friend decides to find out if the paddles float....

Olivia

To my disgusting rude sister. Seriously you are twenty fucking years old GROW UP AND CLEAN UP AFTER YOURSELF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This is fucking disgusting and I shouldn't have to clean this up. There is period blood on my bathroom floor for Christ sakes!!!!! FUCKKKK

In My Head

I close my eyes as my dreams shatter into hundreds of THOUSANDS OF
pieces, each as sharp as a razor. Ready to cut my veins open and draw a million MILES
of blood. The blood seeps and screams down my wrist, each drop becoming a little farther AWAY
And my heart aches, and yearns, and my eyes cloud over FROM
exhaustion, and dizziness, and the only thing I can see clearly in my head is YOU

Baby

What is this pain that I
cant stand? I once LOVED
it when you looked me in the eye and YOU
called me BABY

Between The Lines

WE'RE ALREADY WET AND WE'RE GONNA GO SWIMMING WHY CANT I BREATH WHENEVER I TH[I]NK ABOUT YOU
WHY DO YOU A[L]WAYS DO THIS T[O] ME WHY COULDN'T YOU JUST SEE THROUGH ME
CUZ I CAN'T SEE JUST WHERE I AM MEANT TO BE REPLAY THE SCENE O[V]ER AND OV[E]R AND OVER
I RUN TO YOU OVER AND OVER I FALL FOR [Y]OU OVER AGAIN D[O]N'T MAKE ME CHANGE MY MIND I WON'T LIVE TO SEE ANOTHER DAY I SWEAR IT'S TR[U]E BECAUSE A GIRL LIKE YOU IS I[M]POSSIBLE T[O] FIND YOU'[R]E IMPOSSIBLE TO FIND THIS IS NOT WHAT I INT[E]NDED I ALWAYS SWORE [T]O YOU I'D
NEVER T[H]ERE WHEN YOU NEED IT [A]ND I DO WANT YOU TO K[N]OW I HOLD YOU UP ABOVE EVER[Y]ONE AND I D[O] WANT YOU TO KNOW I THINK YO[U]'D BE GOOD TO ME AND I'D BE SO GOOD TO YOU I THOUGHT I SA[W] A SIGN SOMEWHERE BETWEEN THE L[I]NES OR MAYBE IT'S ME MAYBE I ON[L]Y SEE WHAT I WANT
I CAN TAKE IT IF YOU NEED TO TAKE THIS OUT ON SOMEONE THAT [L]ITTLE THING WITH HER HEAD HELD SO HIGH TALKING TOUGH WHEN I CUT MYSELF SO I CAN FEEL SOM[E]THING I KNOW IS NOT A LIE
E[V]ERYONE WANT A PI[E]CE OF YOU EVE[R]YONE TA[K]ES A PIECE OF ME
THAT ONE STI[N]GS A LITTLE I'M ALWAYS IN THE MIDDLE I D[O]N'T EXPECT BUT TRY ME AND YOU WILL AL[W]AYS FIND ME HERE

Driving Me Insane, and Keeping Me Awake

There's a red dot on my ceiling that's driving me insane, and keeping me awake. My ears are still ringing from the loud music, my legs still ache from dancing, and my heart still hurts from watching you walk away. And there's a stupid red dot on my ceiling which isn't helping because it's driving me insane, and keeping me awake. It must be a reflection on my light fixture of my alarm clock, because that is the only red thing in my room. And I will lie to you and say there is a red dot on my ceiling that is driving me insane, and keeping me awake, and I will tell myself the red dot is keeping me awake. But the truth is that every time I close my eyes, I see your face. Which drives me insane, and is keeping me awake. So I keep my eyes open and stare at the red dot on my ceiling which isn't helping because in the red I see your shoes, and your chipped nail polish, and your red lips. And the memories of you are driving me insane, and keeping me awake.

Sigh

Sometimes I think I can fly,
but then I look down and get too scared to try.

Sometimes I really plan on telling you,
but then I start to cry.

Sometimes I put a blade to my wrist,
but then I realize I don't actually want to die.

Sometimes I know what you're about to say,
but all the comes out is a sigh.

You make me want to try, boy, you make me cry, make me want to die.
And when I tell you I love you all you hear is my quiet hearts *SIGH*

Stealing Her Lips

"I'm not here to judge." She spoke softly, a smile stealing her lips. She barely paused a moment before reaching over and lowering the other strap on Lacey's shoulder. Lacey smiled back, still blushing. Kara moved close on the bed and ran her hand down Lacey's arm reaching to intertwine fingers. Lacey's breath caught in her chest as her heart beat sputtered. Kara's nostrils filled with vanilla musk "God she smells good" was her last thought before their lips met. Her lips were warm and soft, and so were hers. Like a spark of light in a dark, cruel world. Her lips were there, and then all too soon they weren't. The kiss left Lacey wanting more, and hating herself for doing so.

Evanescence

It was October,
the night that I died, silver rain fell.
I could feel the missing piece from my soul.
then felt as the lithium began taking over me.
"Call me when you're sober" his sing song voice whistled through the phone.
After I had fallen no one could bring me to life.
No one could wake me up inside, and I became everybodies fool.
I was going under, and could feel my immortal coming to carry me away.

Smiles in Their Music

"Those were the days." She spoke softly so that nothing could hear but the walls around her.
"I miss those days." She said to no one in particular. Patricia shut her eyes as a boy ran through her memories, and the school sprinklers. Then he put his foot on it, shooting the water at her. Very few people questioned when they showed up to stage band and hour later, soaked. Patricia and Darren were always getting into shenanigans. They spent every Wednesday together before stage band, and the adventures didn't even end when class started. Every once in a while there would be two notes slurred together that looked like a smiley face. When this did happen they would both take their focus off playing and look at each other, wondering if the other one noticed. They would laugh at the same time, knowingly.
"We both knew what the other one was thinking." She almost let herself smile at the memory, but stopped herself.
"I miss those days when we had so many of the same thoughts." But things weren't so easy anymore, things were no longer simple, Patricia and Darren no longer shared the same bond, there were now sharps in place of naturals, and flats where sharps once lied. He no longer looked at her the same way, and now neither of them notices the smiles in their music.

Blargh.

Okay... I didn't want to do this but I am going to anyway. Seriously wasting the next fortyfive minutes of my life to say something to someone that everyone else is too chicken to say. Quit feeling sorry for yourself and be happy with your life. I am not going to go off about how my life is worse and blah blah blah (because apparently I do that?) You misinterpret a lot... Shit happens. You may think your life is so bad but really it isn't as bad as you think and I am so sick of seeing you pity yourself and trying to get everyone else feel sorry for you. I can't have a five minute conversation with you without hearing about everything that went wrong with your week. You need to lighten up because you bring the people around you down. I know people with far worse problems who are happy and don't complain nearly as much as you do. I am sorry that you overreacted to what I said and deleted all your stuff off Facebook and cried all night and overdosed on meds because you were crying... You have no right to blame all that on me. It wasn't really because of what I said it was how you reacted to it. What I said was true and not "bitchy" at all and I stand by that. I refuse to feel guilty for something I didn't do. There really is no more people can do but lock their doors and not leave expensive things in their vehicle. I am really sorry about how harsh this will all sound to you because yes, you are very sensitive, but I have tried being gentle and it has gotten us nowhere. And I am sorry that you damn near killed yourself, I do feel strongly for you as a person, believe it or not I have a lot of respect for you because you take school seriously and succeed in nearly everything you set your mind to. That takes a lot of (insert long, intellectual, positive words here.) So I think it is very sad that you took what I said so seriously and dramatically that you hurt yourself. But we are all responsible for our own actions. Really you cant say its my fault that you deleted a bunch of your stuff off Facebook because of me? That's really... Ridiculous. I really think you need help. Please get help, for your sake and for the sake of everyone around you. If you destroy a bunch of memories and almost kill yourself because of a small comment you need help. I want to say more but honestly, I don't have time.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK I DID

Seriously I am going to be the only person in the world to get fired while being paid 3 dollars an hour.

In the Land of Milk & Honey...

In the land of Milk & Honey...

1.Spiders never leave the ceiling
2.There is always milk for the cereal
3.There's only adverts for things I actually want to buy
4.Its always warm when it is raining
5.Laundry does itself
6.My cell phone never needs charging
7.People don't steal ipod's
8.I get paid for being lazy
9.Hot water never runs out!
10.My best writing ideas come to me while I'm not in the midst of trying to sleep
11.There is a calculator in my head
12.My teeth are perfect
13.Boyfriends hate video games
14. Rainbows don't run away
15.Wild animals enjoy posing for photos
16.I have amazing metabolism and don't have to feel guilty about eating whatever I want
17.Money is never a problem
18.I can breath and see underwater therefore eliminating my fear of water
19.Crickets are as beautiful to look at as to listen to
20.Communication is easier
21.Chocolate is never unavailable to you
22.Traveling is incredibly cheap
23.My cat really does understand how I feel
24.Bras always fit
25.I could sleep well at night
26.Pets can feed themselves
27.Pets use the toilet
28.My hair goes where I want it to go
29. Hair never gets "roots" your hair stays that color until you change it
30. Hair never gets frizzy or split ends
31.All toothpaste tastes yummy
32.The smell of your body wash stays on you
33.safety pins never open and poke you
34.tattoos can move
35.the pants always fit
36.I always remember my dreams
37.Mail is quicker
38.traffic does not exist
39.drugs aren't addicting, expensive or bad for you

...

YOU FRUSTRATE ME!!!!

I Love You.

Had an absolutely amazing day yesterday, thanks to my wonderfantabulous boy toy. =] (ILYSM)
Hopefully tomorrow will be as good as yesterday and not nearly as awful as today. Going to Cranbrook tomorrow.... Wish I didn't have to miss school.... and I wish I could pass math. Cross your fingers! *she shouts to everyone who has better things to do with their lives than check in on her blog) My birthday party is this weekend... I'm really worried that its going to end in disaster. For one, its supposed to rain all weekend and also... Everyone who is coming dislikes at least one of the other people who are coming. With the exception of Tristan who might not be coming at all. I really wish I could have invited Tony.. She is absolutely one of the most fantastic people I have ever met. =] I really don't want to fail math... but on the account of Mr.Stades a dickhead it isn't looking good... Even Mrs. Brown is having major problems with him. Seriously if there is only two kids in a class passing it is the teachers fault, not the students. I feel bad for everyone else in the class trying to get through it... =/ Looks like I'll be doing correspondence next year... FML.!!! Fuck I need to go to school tomorrow... But I need to cash my check and I need to do that with mom at her bank and its rare I end up in Cranbrook with mom.... Car insurance, or a slight chance at passing math... This sucks.
Not to mention I might not be able to get my N this summer... Ugh. Im so stressed.

Best Friend

We have everything in common,
everything but one.
I see the way you look at me,
it will never be enough.
I see the way you look at him,
with longing in your eyes.
If only at night, you could listen to my cries.
He doesn't see you, don't you see?
The person you belong with is me.
I've been here forever, and I'll stick around always.
I cross my fingers and tell myself, this is just a phase.
I want to tell you these thoughts in my head,
this fact I just can't swallow
(no pun intended.)
I wont believe it.
It can't be true.
Could this really be you?
I can wish all I want, but it will never do.
I can't change who you are, and neither can you.
This isn't some phase.
Not simply a trend.
It looks as though I'm really stuck here.

Stuck
as the best friend.

Making a Difference One Stranger at a Time

You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!

Stranger: Hi

You: Hiii

Stranger: What's the point in living?

You: to live.

Stranger: I'm serious I'm sick of everything and I need a reason not to kill myself.

You: because killing yourself is the most selfish thing anyone can everdo

Stranger: How?

Stranger: I would be doing everyone a favor. No one likes me :,(

You: its cowardly and taking the easy way out, getting rid of all your problems and dropping them onto the shoulders of EVERYONE around you.

You: you are a strong person, if you werent you wouldnt have made it this far right? think of all the shit you have obviously been through

You: and how even if you came out bruised and even a little messed up, you made it through.

Stranger: I have yet to crawl through shit actually b

You: everyone does.

Stranger: Crawl though shit?

Stranger: That sounds gross

You: we just have to be strong and put up with it.

You: lol yeah

Stranger: I guess...

You: you have family and even if you dont have friends there are other people you know who would miss you

Stranger: Do you really think they would?

You: yes

Stranger: Honestly?

You: and thats another reason why killing yourself is selfish

You: because people think that when you kill yourself it will make you feel better but when you die im pretty sure you dont get to watch the people you left behind suffer

Stranger: Dude... Your amazing.

You: my grandma committed suicide before I was born. my family is pretty fucked up over it and so am I.... she didnt even know I would exist when she killed herself.

Stranger: Okay okay I'll go put this knife back. Oh that sucks... :(

You: no my dear, YOUR AMAZING. and yuou cant let people make you forget it

Stranger: Do you really think so? :)

You: yes.

Stranger: :))))))))))) you just gave me hope THANK YOU SOOOO MUCH. :)

You: you are more than welcome.

Stranger: My faith in this world has been restored.

You: some people really suck... but you have to remember there are always good people out there like me willing to help

You: =]

Stranger: Yes I see there are, now. :))

You: good.

Stranger: Ah, I haven't smiled in a while :) thank you sooooooooooo much :)

You: dont worry about it.

Stranger: :)))

Stranger: Okay well bye!!!

OKAY I LIED LEAVE ME ALONE

Okay... So I lied... I never did get off the computer. Agh.
anywhoooo heres a song.

Crazy Girl, Don't Look at Me That Way

This is really weird but I have a confession to make.
When people are trying to motivate me to do something, I need positive motivation otherwise ill just get discouraged and pissed off....

BUT

When I motivate myself, it is the most negative motivation you can imagine... I will set a reminder on my phone that says something along the lines of "You fucking idiot study for the test tomorrow or you will fail because you are fat and lazy and stupid." No joke... In fact they are often even harsher than that. They often contain more cussing than actual English. Does it work better? I think so... Yet I cant stand when other people do it. Why? Who knows, I'm probably just effed in the noggin. By the way I am mentally stabbing myself at this very moment for not doing my homework.... Okay fine. I'm getting off the computer now..... TOOTLES.

Baby, save me

Screaming in Silence

Jonathan Bugabee Jazz was no ordinary boy; an outcast if you will. He liked to wear dark clothing and had blonde hair that often fell over his eyes. He spent most of his time alone and was often very quiet. People criticized him for being different, and the more he kept to himself the more people tried to get a reaction out of him. They teased him constantly, anything they could think of; they called him emo, faggot, and made fun of his incredibly odd name. He hated his peers with a fiery passion. He wished they wouldn’t judge him so harshly. He was angry because he didn’t fit in and people didn’t accept him, which made him want to be even more indifferent. He never really noticed Corinne watching him, she was quiet and subtle, and she often noticed how unhappy Jonathan seemed. She would watch him doodle in his note books during social studies, and wonder what was going through his head. Once in a while he would catch her looking in his direction, but he thought nothing of it. He figured she was looking at him with harsh eyes, as everyone else did. Corrine was slender, pale, and overall beautiful. She liked reading and writing, and her small framed glasses perched perfectly on her small pointed nose. She had recently begun reading an incredible novel about a misunderstood boy who reminded her of Jonathan. She wished ever so much she could share it with him, maybe it would help. Books had always made her feel special, as if every single one was written just for her. One cloudy afternoon as Corinne was walking home she noticed Jonathan running towards his house, he had blood gushing out of his nose and he seemed to be crying. She wanted to chase after him, make his pain go away and help anyway she could. Jonathan trashed his room wearing a t-shirt covered in dry blood. He was furious and frustrated because he was too small to defend himself. A couple of older boys cornered him after school and pushed him around. He hated himself at that moment, disgusted himself even more than his peers did. He finally collapsed in his room and began to sob, hopeless. There was nothing he could do, he hated everyone around him including himself, which made him hate himself that much more because was all he really had. He couldn’t run away, he would never survive on his own. No one understood him; he was completely and utterly alone in the world. For hours he lay, a crumpled heap on his cold wooden floor. A million things raced through his mind, and after hours of thought and tears he finally came to a solution. The only option he had was to take his own life. He knew it was selfish and it damn near killed him to think about abandoning his mother that way, but she didn’t need him. Her life would go on, and no one else in the world would care. He didn’t know a lot about suicide, despite his ever ongoing depression and occasional suicidal thoughts. He decided it had to be something he couldn’t change your mind on. No pills because he could change his mind and stick his fingers down his throat. He also didn’t want to do it in the house; he refused to let his poor mother be the one to find him. He knew of a beautiful place, not far from where he lived where he could jump. The view was incredible and he would die the way he was meant to die, alone and among nature where no one ever judged him. He took a note pad and pen, threw it into his backpack, and left immediately. It took him a mere fifteen minutes to walk up the trail past the houses and barking dogs. He tried not to think about it, because he knew he could back out at any moment. He kept his mind clear and focused on the rhythm of his footsteps. When he finally reached the top, he sat only long enough to write a note on his sticky note pad. He kept it short and sweet, “Fuck You All.” Then he put it in his bag and stepped toward the edge. Suddenly he was nervous, only a moment before he had been filled with anger and had his heart set on ending it. Now he was just another scared teenager begging life to stop throwing curve balls. A rustle behind him made him jump slightly and he craned his head only to find a chipmunk gnawing on a small seed about four feet away from him. Was it really something so simple that could change his mind about ending his life, and destroying his potentially incredible future? Of course not he thought to himself. He turned his head back towards the seemingly endless fall in front of him. Here it was his inevitable death. This was his last hope for peace and last moment of fresh air. He took a deep breath and lifted his left foot. When suddenly, he caught something in the corner of his eye. Something he never would have noticed before the chipmunk startled him. The small creature threw his imbalanced mind in the other direction, distracting him from what he had been focusing so hard on. He looked over at his backpack to see something blue, barely visible in his peripheral vision. He couldn’t believe that his curiosity was overcoming his unhappiness at a critical moment like this. But he couldn’t stand it, he had to look. He took two steps toward his bad only to find a novel with a deep blue hard cover. There was no picture but a simple dented white title that read Screaming in Silence. He opened the cover to find a piece of paper, neatly folded to look like a flower. He carefully unfolded it; inside it said “Hope this book cheers you up! And lets you know that you aren’t really alone. Sincerely, a doodle fan.” He sat there staring for what seemed like hours. He knew it had to be Corinne, she was the only one that sat next to him in the back, the only one who’s gotten close enough to see his art. Jonathan Bugabee Jazz did not commit suicide that night. Instead he went home and spent the night reading. He had never read anything like this book before, he never really read much at all. He hated novel studies in school because the novels were always awful and dull. He had never known an adventure like this before and he never knew there were other people who had thoughts just like his own. He read all through the night, and skipped school the next day. When he was finally finished he cleaned his room, and was hungry for another book. He swallowed his fears and spent the evening drawing Corrine, cartoon-style holding a book and a flower. The next day he left it in a holiday paper bag, hanging off her locker with a note asking her to recommend another book. After that Jonathan spent his evening reading, and his days with Corrine. They innocently held hands, and went on long nature walks. He never told her about the day he almost took his own life. When she asked about his nose bleed, he shrugged it off. He had never known time to feel so precious, so sweet, and he never told her that a chipmunk possibly saved his life because in the end, he knew it wasn’t a small animal, or a rustle that kept him alive, it was Corrine.

Word Count 1,287

Loser. >.<

Proudly Bending Over

Last year I did something I've never done before...
And I have enjoyed doing it ever since!
The first time is thrilling and exciting, and you feel proud of yourself!
The first time can be a little painful.. but the more you do it, the less it hurts.
I can do it on my floor, I have done it at school, in my car, and even in my living room.
I have bragged to my friends about it, and the first time I did it I even made my dad watch!
I will not keep it to myself, I don't care if everyone knows!

-Proudly touching my toes since two thousand ten. =]




P.S.(to Alisha & Thomas) Who's got the dirty mind now..?

MEOW.... =^.^=

I Will Always Love You.

I don't know what has taken over,
All I want is your head on my shoulder.
Baby I can't help it,
Can't deny it any longer.
This feeling inside me,
Is growing stronger and stronger.

Hey Paradise, Put Up a Parking Lot

I hate not being able to say what I want... because I know it would screw certain things up. I have been especially good at screwing things up lately. Too important to me to risk anything... =/ There's so much I wish I could say... Or do.. I hate it when you decide to say something, type it out, stare at it for five minutes and erase it. Too Many Things Left (and better left) Unsaid.

Fuck My Life.

Had a really bad day... Screwed up my monologue. I know I know no one really cared and I wont be docked more than like one mark... but I am really disappointed in myself. I cant believe I froze like that... At least a certain someone liked it I guess. First compliment he has ever given me, which was much appreciated. Math was shitty... Mr. Stade drives me crazy. He isn't fair at all ans doesn't help or even teach as much as he should. So it looks like ill be getting an I on my report card... Oh its not because I am doing badly in math, I am missing ONE test. He wouldn't even consider docking marks for the test so I wouldn't have an I. And it is one hundred and fifty percent BULLSHIT that Kim gets things voided for her just because she didn't do them. Things that I would get marks docked for if I didn't have done. Like what the fuck is that? Why is she so special? If I didn't get something done it was probably because I was helping her because he cant be bothered to actually teach her how to do something. Oh and my grade is social studies is fanfuckingtastic right now. I'm glad I ran into Justin... He always gives the most amazing hugs and I really needed it. In fact I need one right now. Not like my boyfriend would come over tonight... He's probly on his stupid computer playing wow with Blaine. Besides if he were here he would just tell me how negative I was being and tell me to stop crying. I really really hate it when people tell me to stop crying. You are supposed to make me feel better, not make me feel worse by telling me I'm being stupid and should feel better. Oh yeah and according to my mom I am way too fat... I am trying to lose weight.. I really am. I didn't think I was THAT fat... but I guess I was wrong. Fuck I hate today. Just make it end...

Ich Mochte Schokolade

I thought it appropriate to have the title in German considering I am supposed to be working on my German in this class right now. >.< I want chocolate.

Where To Go From Here

I don't know where to go from here. I am still pissed about yesterday.. and upset. How dare he? It was unfucking believable. It felt good to go for a nice long walk, get some fresh air. Lets all just walk through a giant square in hopes of coming through the other side to an alternate universe, shall we? Make everything wrong turn into right and make the pain go away. Three fucking hours, are you serious?? Like come on. Ugh. Lunch today did'nt exactly make me feel any better. A place I used to belong I am now an outcast and considered an outsider... then again maybe I never really belonged there. Maybe thats why I subconciously stopped going there. I guess Cody has been rude to me right from the start. He was an asshole to me in Earth Science last semester. What made me think things changed? He doesnt fucking know me at all.

"Dont judge a book by its cover"

One of my best friends didnt even stick up for me... Hmm

Dear Banff- Please make my day good, Sincerely- Unhappy.