Digital Bootcamp

I have officially fallen in love with studio lights. =] They are absolutely amazing to use for photography. My mission would have gone much better with Thomas or Mckenna here though... I miss home. I have only been gone for a few days but I am home sick. I definitely think I will be moving to Kelowna after grad but I am pretty sure this school is not the one for me. Brenden thinks I am being ridiculous because I cant give him a valid reason why I don't like this school but he doesnt understand my reasoning. I told him it doesn't feel right, which seems completely valid to me because if I am going to spend like four years somewhere I want to feel comfortable and happy. He wouldn't care if he were to sit in a little cardboard box for his schooling, as long as he has a computer in front of him and and a reasonably good teacher, hes perfectly happy. He is so happy and excited with this course that he wouldn't even spend lunch with me everyday. He would sit with me for maybe five minutes, scarf down all his food, and head back to class. Of course I spent my lunches mostly alone... but I am glad he found people he can talk about computer shit with. It kind of worries me that I am not smart enough for him because once he does go off to college hes going to be around a ton of girls that speak his language, and I don't. Girls that have the same interests in computers as he does, meanwhile it drives me crazy when he spends too much time on the computer. *cough* wow *cough*.......... Heading home too night, too soon, yet not soon enough. It was great to see Peter, I have missed him. I wish we could have spent more time together though.

Hmm

Sometimes I wish I could just keep my mouth shut. Nothing I ever do is good enough and when I try to help I screw things up. =/ I apologize to everyone I may have hurt and or made things worse for in any way with my ill advice. Had a pretty good day, went and saw the puppies. Hung out with Thomas and Robert. So today was pretty darn good I suppose. Brenden came over afterward, went well I suppose. I really am not a very exciting human being... I am almost considering destroying my blog, or at least no longer write on it. Dunno why. Its too temping to write certain things that certain people do not want to hear about...

I Hate Change.

I have hated change ever since my parents split up. I like things that are familiar because they feel more like home. I no longer have a home... I did once upon a time but its been destroyed and changed and I don't belong anywhere now. For a while being in his arms felt like the closest thing I have had to a home in a long time, but I don't feel that so much anymore. I hate not belonging. All the friends I once thought I had, where are they now? At home with their other friends. And what am I? Alone. I hate change. I wish things could be the way they used to be. I wish things could be the same with Thomas's family, I wish things could be fresh and new again with Brenden, and I wish Destinie considered me her best friend. But nothing ever stays the same, not even I. I sometimes like who I am now, but other times I hate myself. For so many reasons. I hate the way I look, my body, my face, my hair. I hate how I treat certain people, I never used to be such an awful person. Sometimes I wish I could stay quiet for a day. I wake up some mornings telling myself I'm not going to talk at all throughout the day because I don't want people judging me or seeing more of who I am. I set my alarm extra early so I can do my hair and makeup nice and pick good clothes but I get up, too tired, and say Fuck It. Then I end up wearing pajamas and a pony tale to school. Even when I do get up on time the make up is all wrong and my hair is impossible and everything I try on makes me look fat. The beginning of a relationship is so great... Everything is fresh and exciting and you get to explore each others personalities and test the waters. But once you have fought with someone, loved someone to your very core and learned everything about them, things get dull and you eventually end up hearing the words "I don't need to spend my every waking minute with you." and it hurts because they don't talk to you as much and they don't feel any need to be attentive and they never do special things for you anymore. Even simple things like going for a walk or picking flowers. All you want to do is talk to them and love them but then when they call theres nothing to say. But when he tells me he loves me he means it. I guess I am too clingy. I hate being clingy, I don't want to be that person. I wish I could be perfect to someone, anyone. I wish people could love me for everything that I am, even more than that I wish I could love myself.

Just Want To Say

pissed and upset. ugh. fml.

Judgement Day

I never would have thought someone like that would want to be friends with someone like me. I mean she's pretty and athletic and all of her friends are pretty... and athletic. Why me? I was so completely oblivious that she liked me and actually wanted to hang out. I thought she was hanging out with me because her brother was at work and she was stuck with me and had no choice. I had never really hung out with her as just us before then and I really fucked it up that day. I mean of course after I screwed up we had an awesome day, but nothing was the same after that. When she told me she had wanted to hang out just the two of us I shouldn't have been so surprised I guess... Now she doesn't talk to me, hardly even looks at me in the halls. She walks right on by with her gorgeous, skinny, athletic friends. Did I really do something wrong? Should I want to be friends with people like that? I accept everyone for who they are and always welcome new friends. I don't judge, nor do I like being judged. Which is unfortunate because a lot of people judge me when they don't know me. Then again, most people who got to know me would probably be afraid... and that's okay too. =]

Rawr.

Ow Ow Fuckity Ow

Had a long day... One thing after another going wrong. Ugh. Just when I thought things were getting better and looking up I gotta have a day like this. I wish no one read my blog because I don't feel like I can say whatever I want... Where do I start? Morning perhaps... Cramps? Yeah they really suck. Sometimes they get so bad I can't stand it, guys usually don't believe me *cough* Brenden *cough* but I really do think they are as painful as a guy being kicked in the nuts. I call it my monthly kick in the nuts. The only different is that they get kicked for a second and sometimes I am rolling in pain for hours. Blah. Two big tests today that I was not prepared for. I am starting to do bad in school again and it makes me miserable which makes me not want to do my work. It's a never ending cycle. Stage band was exhausting, and I still taste ginger... (don't ask.) A whole bunch of my friends are depressed right now and it is taking its toll on me too. Not to mention Brenden doesn't text me throughout the day like he used to... =( Today sucked, stage band was exhausting and I pretty much spent it alone.

Is 2012 For Real?

Does anyone else notice more and more disasters happening? Science has been looking into the 2012 theory for quite sometime and a lot of people believe the world is coming to an end. I hope not... My life has barely begun.




I wish the best for all of these people, and I hope Tomokis family was not affected by the earthquake and tsunami.

A True Love Story Never Ends

My Nana Franklin (Dads mom) Fell in love during her graduating year of high school. She kept a diary that year, and wrote constantly about Richard Franklin. She fell in love with a man who never called when he said he would and did not treat her with the respect she deserved. She was young and naive and made excuse after excuse for my grandfather. She was truly head over heels in love. She ended up pregnant towards the end of the year with my dad Curtis. My mom is pretty sure she got pregnant on purpose so he would have to marry him, I'm not so sure myself. She stopped writing in her diary. Many years later she had become incredibly miserable because the man she fell in love with was not the man she made him out to be. He left her for another woman long after their two sons had moved out. She threatened to kill herself, and she wasn't joking. He called police and sent them over to her house, by then she had already swallowed the bottle of pills. They knocked on her door and she answered and she seemed perfectly fine. She convinced them that nothing was going on and that she was fine, so they left. The crazy thing is that if they had stepped two feet into the house they would have seen letters scattered everywhere. She had written a personal letter to all of her closest family members and friends. The two policemen could have easily saved her life if they had been more thorough in their check up. I hadn't even been conceived yet when my grandma took her own life. There is a gaping hole in my family where she should be and her act has affected my life in so many ways. Suicide doesn't just affect the peoples lives around you, it affects your families lives for generations. I have recently been reading her diary... It is truly amazing. She loved him so much. I don't know if I should feel sorry for her because she one hundred percent chose the life she had but in some ways I think she experienced something so precious and rare. True Love. Call me crazy, but I don't think my grandma was crazy or out of her mind at all. I think that it is so rare to feel that much love and passion for someone. But what I wonder is, is that what true love is? One hundred percent pure unconditional love. She took her own life because she couldn't live without him, is that what true love is? I will tell my grandmas story to my kids and hope they will tell their kids. I want to help my mom publish her book about my grandma, because it is a story I really believe should be told and heard. <3 style="BACKGROUND-COLOR: #ffff00">a little like her, and I'm proud to share her middle name.

~Forever Remembered Loretta Faye Franklin

Adorable Sounds

Check with local animal control authorities before you decide to adopt or purchase a fennec fox for a pet. While fennec foxes are generally not prohibited by state or local authorities, animal control districts may restrict your purchase of a fennec fox until all vaccines have been administered. An exotic pet permit may also be required in certain jurisdictions

Find a veterinarian who will treat a fennec fox before you attempt to own one legally. Many vets consider a fennec fox to be a wild animal and may not offer treatment. In addition, some vets may charge premium fees in order to offset the potential hazards of handling a fennec fox.

Provide an appropriate environment for your fennec fox. These animals are notorious escape artists, so you will need to keep your fox in a locked cage when it is not under direct supervision. Fennec foxes are very quick and difficult to catch, and they can dig underground up to 20 feet in one day.

Plan an appropriate diet for your pet fennec fox before you legally own it. While fennec foxes will eat most types of dog foods, their diets will need to be supplemented with insects, such as mealworms and crickets. Some pet shops may offer dog food that has been developed with more exotic canines in mind.

Prepare yourself for the wilder personality traits of a fennec fox when you legally own one. Fennec foxes are nocturnal, which means they can keep you up at night. In addition, fennec foxes enjoy hoarding food throughout the house, digging into sofa cushions in an attempt to make a nest or den and leaping high onto counters, shelves and cabinets.

=D

Here's my new car!!! We were wrong about the type. It's actually Malibu LS <3 I love the color and we got it for super cheap. =D

Lets Get the Record Straight.

For those of you who dont know *cough* Thomas *cough* This is what an peace symbol looks like. [SEE ABOVE IMAGE] And this is an anarchy symbol [SEE BELOW IMAGE]

Beautiful Disaster

Super excited to see my new car... It's a 1999 Chevy Impala. And its BLUE =D I love blue. Woot Woot. *happy dance* This is what my car looks like but it isn't my exact car. Will post pictures soon!!

Because It Is Amazing..... with a little extra ZING

...

Dear World of Warcraft

Can I please have my boyfriend back now?

Sincerely, Lonely.

What's Another Month?

Yesterday was ten months for me and Brenden... I didn't get to see him at all and he didn't call me until I was going to sleep. It makes me a little sad not to spend it with him but then again I could have called him. I guess we were doing our own thing... I did have a very good day though. Spent it with Thomas and I got a call about my first job interview after school today (wish me luck!) I never thought I would be with someone this long... Okay I figured it would happen it was just hard to imagine. I cant wait til one year... It means so much to me I really hope we do something special. I would be heart broken if it got treated as just another month.
Love you B.

Just About Had Enough

Douching me with holy water before fucking me with an iron condom... I've taken more than my fair share of abuse and jokes in my lifetime but this ones pretty fuckin bad. My boyfriends Cristian, why the fuck do you care? The worst thing about this joke is that if it were about someone else I would have found it funny. Does that make me just as bad as the people who came up with it? Some sexually frustrated grade twelve who feels suffocated because he cant get out of this place... Did it make him feel good to hurt me? I'm sure he doesn't know my pain. As far as I can see no one around me has lived through the shit I have. When we did the play bang bang you're dead I was so emotionally attached. None of the other actors had experienced being bullied.. But I have. I dealt with it my whole life. People would tell me that all sisters fight but that wasn't the case with me and my sister, she tortured my throughout my whole childhood. Severe abuse, I still haven't forgiven her, nor do I plan to. When my parents split up I was in a new school. I received my own personal tormentor; Terrace-Anne. I hated that girl... she made things harder than they needed to be. I went through extreme depression that physically tore me to pieces. I couldn't get out of bed most mornings. My moms old boyfriend... I spent the last nine years being called fat, pig, tubby, etc. Ive been called every fat name in the book. By my sister and my moms boyfriend. During bang bang you're dead Mrs. Ewen told us about her sister not forgiving her tormentors and it reminded me of how I haven't forgiven my sister... I went to the washroom and started crying. I couldn't stop it. I was fine before the stupid woman at the front office snapped at me... I was doing a pretty good job of holding it in. I went to ask if I could get food before ten minute because I was going to be in the play during that time. She was busy talking to someone and I was trying so hard to hold back my pain that I was tapping my finger on the counter. I didn't even notice til she turned to me and snapped about how rude I was being. I barely got my question out through gritting my teeth. She mistook my tapping for an impatient tick. She rudely told me that no one gets food before break, I couldn't get away fast enough, or explain to her why I was asking, I went straight to the washroom. It hurts so much when the abuse comes from my close friends too... I cant talk about how much I love and care about Brenden with Thomas because he reacts so cruelly and it hurts that him and his family joke about my boyfriend. Hurts more than they could possibly understand because I care about them so much and I care about Brenden so much. If Thomas would listen maybe he would see how much fun I have with Brenden and how cool and funny and amazing he can be. But that would bruise his ego so he'd rather hurt me and save himself the pain of jealousy and feeling like I chose someone else over him. Maybe Thomas is right and that small towns are just full of small minded people and that once I move things will be different. A place where people know nothing about me other than what they have in front of them and no one will judge my choices and who I want to be with. I wish Brenden were here, I can't tell him what happened today because its abuse towards him too and I don't know if he would take it likely. I hope he cant hear the tears in my voice when he calls. <3 Love you.

My Name

My name
It is the trees that cover that peak
It is the rivers that flow over the mountain side
It is the creatures that live there in peace
It is the flicker of pink on the clouds as the sun goes down
It is the moonlight on the mountain
My name
It is a dashboard
It is that stifling new-truck-smell
It is air coming through the windows
It is a very first experience through the mud
It is the shine of a good car wash

My father loved the Sierra Mountains
My mother loved the Sierra truck

Behind Closed Doors

The sweetest person I have ever met, I see her smile and I wonder who she is behind closed doors. Does she cry? Does she scream? Perhaps she lives in a trailer with a single mother and an abusive sister. What if her family is poor? Perhaps not… Her clothes seem nice enough. I wonder if she is truly happy, does she look into her mirror with disgust? Does she ever wonder if people look at her and think she is fat? I don’t think she’s fat, but what if she does? Maybe sometimes she sits under black lights and laughs at her ceiling. Does she dream? Someone liker her might dream of caramel apples and clowns. Who knows, maybe she has nightmares about murders and monsters each night. I don’t know much about her except she appears to be sweet as lollipops. Then again, who knows who she might be behind closed doors.

Photograph

Make: Long forgotten. Megapixel: Two. Zoom: Lame.
Irregular patterns stretched across the animal’s broad shoulders, and crawled up its outstretched neck. A girl, a little older than I, stood beside me, blond wavy hair fell over her eyes slightly. She smiled at me and we both looked up to see the tall, patchy creature. A creature I only knew to be a giraffe from books, photos, and of course my favorite Disney movie. The creature came to life before my eyes as I held up my first camera, documenting my first trip to the zoo, and the start of a long friendship.

Make: Unknown. Megapixel: Unknown. Zoom: Unknown.
A new home brings a whole new photo album. The old photos begin to fade, and turn a cruel shade of sepia. Holding memories you only wish you could turn back to color. Christmas is supposed to bring family and the fresh smell of cookies. Not a stranger’s apartment and a mattress on a cold floor, while footsteps above your head keep you awake through the night. Meanwhile, your mother’s arms are wrapped around a waist that has replaced your fathers. A new camera that makes your old photos look pixelated and dim in comparison. Yet there seems to be nothing worth capturing on the new screen. A screen that was sure to be cracked within the month.

Make: Canon power shot A430. Megapixel: Five. Zoom: Four times, optical. Note: Amazing macro.
Three girls smiled and wrapped arms around each other as a flash illuminated their faces. Three girls laughing, and goofing around, one smart, one beautiful, one was the glue that kept them together. All silly, and unafraid to live and explore new things. Three girls who hadn’t known each other for very long, were about to become as inseparable as musketeers, and just as entertaining. This photo is a happy one, full of color and love. Only sad because what once was reality, is after all, just a photo.

Make: Canon A460. Megapixel: Five. Zoom: Four times, optical. Note: Amazing macro.
I didn’t want a new camera. I wasn’t ready to move on to another point of view on my life. I didn’t need a new scene or photo album. Behind the fake smiles in the photos, I could see my mother’s job sliding and our house falling apart. I held on as long as I could, but when my camera was stolen, I knew it was time to get a new one. With a new way of capturing our lives, comes a new part of life. A place you once called home and swore you’d never leave, now brings cold fingers and just enough food to make it through the week.

Make: Canon SX10IS. Megapixel: Ten. Zoom: Twenty times, optical. Note: Incredible zoom and flippy screen.
A new home full of heat, fresh food and shiny, expensive things I never dreamed I would have at my fingertips. A home that is not my own. Hidden behind the picture perfect green grass and flowers, lies resentment and being treated like a burden. Afternoons spent with my best friend shed light on the setting. Best friends since birth, she was beautiful and didn’t know it. We loved taking pictures together and of each other. We posed, smiled, frowned, and laughed. We would turn the camera for a different angle and play with different colors and effects. We were so close that we knew all of each others best angles and features. I loved her so, and it hurt when we became distant; merely saying hello as we passed in the halls. When I feel alone and miss her smile, I can look back at our happy photographs.
On the other hand, there was my best guy friend. The closest I’ve ever been to a guy who I was not dating. We spent our evenings cracking jokes at the dinner table and our days walking barefoot through creeks. I smiled, standing in the water holding my shoes for a picture as the familiar sound of a shutter went off, barely audible over the soft crash of the flowing creek. The photo hangs on his wall, a reminder of the past and hopes of a future.

Today, my camera sits in its case. It has not been there long but if I don’t take it out soon it will begin to collect dust, causing prints to come out fuzzy, and distorted. Lying in the grass, arms around me, I feel his warmth, and hear his heartbeat. Someone to love and care about me, hold my hand and kiss me softly. As I smile and snap a photo, lips pressed against my cheek, someone else is on his bed, book in hand. He stares up at a picture frame on his wall. A picture that used to look crystal clear appears unfocused. So he gets a cloth and wipes the dust from the frame, making the photo look good as new. Even though this part of my life feels like it is coming to an end, the dust can always be wiped away. As I snap a photo, lips pressed against my cheek, I know my camera has still got a lot of kick left in it. Besides, I still have a half empty photo album yet to be filled.

Just Around The Corner

I wrote this a while back and felt like posting it.

I take a deep breath, let it out slow. I don’t know where to start; I have so much to say. Late at night, when I’m in that haze between awake and dreaming, I see your eyes and hear your laugh. I think about everything I love about you and what makes you different and better than anyone I know. I love your accent, and I love the way you always have to be moving and motivate me to do crazy things I would never have thought of without you by my side. Like throwing glitter in the air for no reason at all, or watching water crawl down the sidewalk, for the pleasure of watching water crawl. I love walking through the creek near your house, carrying my shoes. I love walking in the dark and sledding, and stargazing. I love that we are so incredibly alike that we know what each other is thinking without saying a word. I love that when the teacher says “partner up!” we meet one an others eyes and don’t even need to acknowledge the fact that we are meant to be together. Because we both just know. I love your amazing eyes and when they catch the light at the right angle, I can’t help but stare. I love that everything you love are the things that I love too. We have everything in common and I love it. But the end is just around the corner… I can feel graduation creeping up on us. I dream about the last time I see your face, the last time I can hold you in my arms. We take a walk, or hug for an eternity that ends too soon. And when we say goodbye I can’t speak, because my voice would crack and I wouldn’t be able to hold the tears. When I really think about our last moment, I get this sick panicky feeling in the pit of my stomach. Like the feeling you get when the roller coaster is climbing to the top. You know it’s going to fall, it’s inevitable and there’s nothing that can really prepare you for the drop. and I’m not excited, in fact I’m terrified because I hate the feeling of falling and I hate roller coasters and I can’t stand the thought of falling and losing you. The feeling builds as I climb higher, and before I know it the roller coaster is dropping, and tears are soaking my pillow. I can’t breathe, or catch my breath and all I want is to be in your arms and have you tell me everything’s okay, and that you aren’t going anywhere. Its looming over me and I can’t sleep at night. I don’t know what I will do without you. Who will I do stuff with? Who will teach me new hula hooping tricks? Who will read Harry Potter to me with a real British accent? I need you around and it hurts because I know you don’t really need me… This is much harder than I’d ever imagined. I never imagined we would get to this place. A place I have never been to before… and it’s much dirtier and darker than I would have pictured. Nothing is simple, and I don’t know if I will ever tell you the truth to your face, because there’s just too much to say. The only thing I ever want to say is that I love you but it’s a tangled love and I know you won’t take me seriously unless you were seeing my words in my eyes. But I would turn away, ashamed of the tears welling up, and feeling exposed for saying it out loud and meaning it and all this is so hard to say because I know this is one letter I will never send.
P.S. I love you, please don’t go.

More In Her Eyes

I see the way you look at her,
you smile at the way she walks,
you love it when she laughs,
you listen when she talks.
But all you want is more, more, more,
and it kills you inside,
that I’m the one she will always adore.
You hurt inside.
You wish you could hide.
Wish she looked at you,
the way you see her look at me.
She tears your heart open,
it will never end,
a wound that will never mend.
You wish she saw much more in your eyes,
so much more than her best friend.
but I’ve contorted her sight,
and i watch you break a little more inside,
because you and i both know,
she’s coming home with me tonight.

Been Looked Down Upon My Whole Life

In the Beginning

The start of a new blog, the start of a new adventure. =]