Just Around The Corner

I wrote this a while back and felt like posting it.

I take a deep breath, let it out slow. I don’t know where to start; I have so much to say. Late at night, when I’m in that haze between awake and dreaming, I see your eyes and hear your laugh. I think about everything I love about you and what makes you different and better than anyone I know. I love your accent, and I love the way you always have to be moving and motivate me to do crazy things I would never have thought of without you by my side. Like throwing glitter in the air for no reason at all, or watching water crawl down the sidewalk, for the pleasure of watching water crawl. I love walking through the creek near your house, carrying my shoes. I love walking in the dark and sledding, and stargazing. I love that we are so incredibly alike that we know what each other is thinking without saying a word. I love that when the teacher says “partner up!” we meet one an others eyes and don’t even need to acknowledge the fact that we are meant to be together. Because we both just know. I love your amazing eyes and when they catch the light at the right angle, I can’t help but stare. I love that everything you love are the things that I love too. We have everything in common and I love it. But the end is just around the corner… I can feel graduation creeping up on us. I dream about the last time I see your face, the last time I can hold you in my arms. We take a walk, or hug for an eternity that ends too soon. And when we say goodbye I can’t speak, because my voice would crack and I wouldn’t be able to hold the tears. When I really think about our last moment, I get this sick panicky feeling in the pit of my stomach. Like the feeling you get when the roller coaster is climbing to the top. You know it’s going to fall, it’s inevitable and there’s nothing that can really prepare you for the drop. and I’m not excited, in fact I’m terrified because I hate the feeling of falling and I hate roller coasters and I can’t stand the thought of falling and losing you. The feeling builds as I climb higher, and before I know it the roller coaster is dropping, and tears are soaking my pillow. I can’t breathe, or catch my breath and all I want is to be in your arms and have you tell me everything’s okay, and that you aren’t going anywhere. Its looming over me and I can’t sleep at night. I don’t know what I will do without you. Who will I do stuff with? Who will teach me new hula hooping tricks? Who will read Harry Potter to me with a real British accent? I need you around and it hurts because I know you don’t really need me… This is much harder than I’d ever imagined. I never imagined we would get to this place. A place I have never been to before… and it’s much dirtier and darker than I would have pictured. Nothing is simple, and I don’t know if I will ever tell you the truth to your face, because there’s just too much to say. The only thing I ever want to say is that I love you but it’s a tangled love and I know you won’t take me seriously unless you were seeing my words in my eyes. But I would turn away, ashamed of the tears welling up, and feeling exposed for saying it out loud and meaning it and all this is so hard to say because I know this is one letter I will never send.
P.S. I love you, please don’t go.