I Hate Change.

I have hated change ever since my parents split up. I like things that are familiar because they feel more like home. I no longer have a home... I did once upon a time but its been destroyed and changed and I don't belong anywhere now. For a while being in his arms felt like the closest thing I have had to a home in a long time, but I don't feel that so much anymore. I hate not belonging. All the friends I once thought I had, where are they now? At home with their other friends. And what am I? Alone. I hate change. I wish things could be the way they used to be. I wish things could be the same with Thomas's family, I wish things could be fresh and new again with Brenden, and I wish Destinie considered me her best friend. But nothing ever stays the same, not even I. I sometimes like who I am now, but other times I hate myself. For so many reasons. I hate the way I look, my body, my face, my hair. I hate how I treat certain people, I never used to be such an awful person. Sometimes I wish I could stay quiet for a day. I wake up some mornings telling myself I'm not going to talk at all throughout the day because I don't want people judging me or seeing more of who I am. I set my alarm extra early so I can do my hair and makeup nice and pick good clothes but I get up, too tired, and say Fuck It. Then I end up wearing pajamas and a pony tale to school. Even when I do get up on time the make up is all wrong and my hair is impossible and everything I try on makes me look fat. The beginning of a relationship is so great... Everything is fresh and exciting and you get to explore each others personalities and test the waters. But once you have fought with someone, loved someone to your very core and learned everything about them, things get dull and you eventually end up hearing the words "I don't need to spend my every waking minute with you." and it hurts because they don't talk to you as much and they don't feel any need to be attentive and they never do special things for you anymore. Even simple things like going for a walk or picking flowers. All you want to do is talk to them and love them but then when they call theres nothing to say. But when he tells me he loves me he means it. I guess I am too clingy. I hate being clingy, I don't want to be that person. I wish I could be perfect to someone, anyone. I wish people could love me for everything that I am, even more than that I wish I could love myself.